- The 2012 Range Rover Sport in black
This driver is somewhat distracted by her diamante cover on her Blackburrry Bold, and in no rush to get anywhere quickly. Not perturbed by the traffic damming up behind them because of the near crawling speed they move at through parking lots, the Range Rover Sport driver is as slow as the tenders they take part in.
- The 1984 Citi Golf
Driven by a student, the faded white VW CITI has seen better days than George Michael at his worst. They bob and weave between lanes, u-turn at the worst moments and park anywhere they aren’t allowed to. Overall, the jack-russel of the roads.
- The silver 2003 Automatic Hyundai Atoz
Did you know it’s actually pronounced “A to Z” … finally something useful from my blog. Otherwise, the Atoz teeters on its tricycle sized wheels through traffic, generally driven by geriatrics older than your own gran. They drive slowly, indicate for longer than the time it took to replace their last hip, and hog the middle lane at speeds slower than they can push their zimmer.
- The electric blue 2012 Subaru WRX STI
As if the metallic blue paintjob, gold rims and wing that could double as an ironing board isn’t showing enough of what a good driver you are. The Subaru driver shows off her impressive driving ability at every juncture. Tearing through traffic like they are qualifying for the next Swedish Rally, they take driving as seriously as their lesbian “best friend”.
- The maroon 2004 Renault Clio
Ah, bought by daddy to keep his darling girl “safe”. This technological masterpiece has more plastic bits than a Lego fair. It generally has at least two or three severe scratches, and the signature scuffed hubcaps are either replaced or held on by cable ties. Driven by daddy’s girl, her cellphone occupies too much driving time, which means, “she never saw that curb”.
- The BMW 3 series, with Msport pack
No matter the incarnation, the 3 series driver sits seat reclined and low, as if this is Detroit. There’s very little indicator action, and even less worry about the drivers around them, flashing brights as they barrel down on unsuspecting Corolla drivers in the fast lane. Pity the poor, for they don’t have a balloon payment.
- The 2010 Dodge Caliber
Their choice in car should tell you this person does not care for worldly things, nor for their life. Generally battling to find the accelerator, keep up with the pace of the traffic around them, or making their way across 4 lanes to turn right in front of you, the Dodge Caliber driver is of the worst. Note the obligatory scratch marks on front or rear bumper. Note the sad sack driving vehicle.
- The Silver 2011 Toyota Prius
Often accused of political grandstanding, cheap shots at the opposing party, and being an agent of the past, the Toyota Prius driver keeps the city clean… Literally. There’s very little that will get in their way of making sure they use as little natural resource in their mission of emissions free driving. They do however irritate with left lane speeds in the right lane, and very conservative approach to traffic. Ah, da Prius driver.
- The 2008 Tata Indica
TATA should have stuck to forging steel, instead of turning that steel into cars, the Indica was birthed from India, and washed up on our shores. Drivers sans licenses snapped up these box of poorly put together second hand parts, and hit the roads. Generally the Indica driver has no idea what any road sign means, drives at the wrong speed at all times, and ambles into your lane like a drunk crab.
10. The Gold Toyota Fortuner
Few things more dangerous than the white mother dropping her kids at the semi-private school on her way out of the parking lot. They fucking mow you down. Taking no prisoners over speedbumps, sidewalks and famously ‘not seeing you’ in one of the numerous blindspots, the mommy in the Fortuner takes no prisoners. Stick family … run for your lives.